Top 5: Pop Stars as Hockey Teams

It's the first Saturday of the hockey season. Elsewhere, Miley Cyrus, the current queen of controversy, is hosting Saturday Night Live. So, the obvious thing for me to do is make a list of the...

Top 5 Pop Stars That Remind Me Of NHL Teams

The Buffalo Sabres are Miley Cyrus: Have you tried understanding Miley Cyrus lately? It's really hard. She (understandably) doesn't want to be thought of as "trashy", but has described her own style as "Chanel meets white trash." She also says that she dresses better than other girls, even when she's wearing uglier clothes than they are. She, like Buffalo, epitomizes that old cliché, "I'm not like other girls." Buffalo, too, is unknowingly trying to simultaneously ignore and glorify its own trashiness. Both got a makeover over the summer. They both try really hard to be tough, but are basically just trying really hard to be Rihanna (who, I suppose, would be the Boston Bruins.)

The Toronto Maple Leafs are Lady Gaga: Been showing us the same stuff for years, but keep trying to convince us that they're the greatest show on Earth, that they're different and better than everyone else. But... come on, now.

The Montreal Canadiens are Britney Spears: Both have been in the public eye for a while, had some career ups and downs, supposedly past their prime but are looking pretty fierce these days.

The Chicago Blackhawks are Beyoncé: Works hard. Plays hard. Runs the world.

The Pittsburgh Penguins are Katy Perry: Beloved by small children and adult men alike. Super eager to show us all their new look, you guys! (It's just a shame that penguins are one of the only animals that Katy didn't name-drop in "Roar," which is so incredibly boring compared to its title.)

You'll notice that no team is Taylor Swift. That is because everyone associates Taylor Swift with singing about her exes, and who complains more about the men they used to love than hockey fans? So, congratulations, we are all Taylor Swift.